I'm feeling...hesitant and not quite so sure of myself. The goals I've had- the goals I've placed on a pedastal and worshipped and slaved after- seem very far off in the distance and in the immediate future, lying before, me is an immovable mountain of uncertaintainty. As of late, the doubts I've harbored about myself seem to be surfacing and I feel like I'm infinitely incapable of handling the things coming my way. I'm out of my league and in way over my head.

Your past life diagnosis:

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I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern North New Zealand around the year 1000. Your profession was that of a seaman, cook or carpenter.

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Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
As a natural talent in psychology, you knew how to use your opportunities. Cold-blooded and calm in any situation.

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The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your task is to learn, to love and to trust the universe. You are bound to think, study, reflect, and to develop inner wisdom.

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Do you remember now?

Okay, a little random there. Multitasking. But who can really expect me to "learn, to love and to trust" the universe when I can't even trust myself? Why am I "bound" to think, study, reflect, develop inner wisdom if I realize that certain wisdoms are painful? If I see a knife, my first instinct is not to grab it by the blade, so tell me, why must I?
Cold-blooded and calm? Isn't that just another way of saying ruthless?

I'm sorry if I've been taking this out on anyone. I guess I'm not keen on anyone knowing "me" when I don't know who "I" am. It's been a bit of soul-searching and a lot of napping recently. It truly is a case of "it's not you, it's me"- and it is me. I'm sorry if I made you worry, disappointed you, pushed you away, pissed you off, et al. I'm a bit vainglorious where all this is concerned and I don't enjoy being watched as I crash and burn. I guess what I really want is to be a seraphim of the old, perfect and wholly celestial, benign and at peace...at least I've got the apathy down pat.

(*spoiler warning: tirade coming) On another note, stop taking and not giving. Damn you. Everytime you want someone to sob to, you come running to me; where are you when I need support? I hate it when you act as if I have it all made- you know nothing. Nothing. Stop giving me your pain; I don't want to be responsible for them. Stop giving me your problems when it's obvious I don't want to lend an ear. Stop asking for things and never returning the favor. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I have enough of my own problems to deal with, I don't need yours on top of them. You are not my goddamn priority. (end tirade)

And...I'm sorry. I'm sadder than a very sad panda when you're not around.