I'm feeling...hesitant and not quite so sure of myself. The goals I've had- the goals I've placed on a pedastal and worshipped and slaved after- seem very far off in the distance and in the immediate future, lying before, me is an immovable mountain of uncertaintainty. As of late, the doubts I've harbored about myself seem to be surfacing and I feel like I'm infinitely incapable of handling the things coming my way. I'm out of my league and in way over my head.

Your past life diagnosis:

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I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern North New Zealand around the year 1000. Your profession was that of a seaman, cook or carpenter.

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Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
As a natural talent in psychology, you knew how to use your opportunities. Cold-blooded and calm in any situation.

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The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your task is to learn, to love and to trust the universe. You are bound to think, study, reflect, and to develop inner wisdom.

---

Do you remember now?

Okay, a little random there. Multitasking. But who can really expect me to "learn, to love and to trust" the universe when I can't even trust myself? Why am I "bound" to think, study, reflect, develop inner wisdom if I realize that certain wisdoms are painful? If I see a knife, my first instinct is not to grab it by the blade, so tell me, why must I?
Cold-blooded and calm? Isn't that just another way of saying ruthless?

I'm sorry if I've been taking this out on anyone. I guess I'm not keen on anyone knowing "me" when I don't know who "I" am. It's been a bit of soul-searching and a lot of napping recently. It truly is a case of "it's not you, it's me"- and it is me. I'm sorry if I made you worry, disappointed you, pushed you away, pissed you off, et al. I'm a bit vainglorious where all this is concerned and I don't enjoy being watched as I crash and burn. I guess what I really want is to be a seraphim of the old, perfect and wholly celestial, benign and at peace...at least I've got the apathy down pat.

(*spoiler warning: tirade coming) On another note, stop taking and not giving. Damn you. Everytime you want someone to sob to, you come running to me; where are you when I need support? I hate it when you act as if I have it all made- you know nothing. Nothing. Stop giving me your pain; I don't want to be responsible for them. Stop giving me your problems when it's obvious I don't want to lend an ear. Stop asking for things and never returning the favor. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it. I have enough of my own problems to deal with, I don't need yours on top of them. You are not my goddamn priority. (end tirade)

And...I'm sorry. I'm sadder than a very sad panda when you're not around.

Yay, I don't have to go!<3

Open the window and clear the air! Sometimes the world seems all smoke and mirrors.

Ah, smoke and mirrors; I say, I must agree. The world is just a show, put on by actors, unwitting or otherwise.

Art Histories and the Fulfillment of Dreams

Don't do it unless you have to. You don't know what you're getting into O_O;; Well, I guess with Arielle for Art 91, everything is going all happy-dokey; it's Art 92 that I'm worried about. That woman...well, reminds me of Calomino, but I'm actually learning this time around. I suppose I'm biased; I expected a college class & individual work, maybe group discussions as a class. I did not expect a group presentation and a vague one at that. The instructions! So confuzzling! And I hate collaborative projects...I never feel safe procrastinating >__>
But I am presenting come Monday. gg Julia, nicely played

Hold your horses. I thought the focus was just on Western art. wtf is this i see about china. What a drag; she doesn't know her own curriculum.

~~Besides that, the fulfillment of dreams is false. You can never have your dreams fulfilled, sorry. Maybe one, but then again, it's never just one, is it? It's greed and it drives the human race forward, thrusting us towards the next big thing. Without wanting more, we'd all be stuck in a rut- happy and guileless. There'd be nothing to fight for, nothing worth the win; and that's just tragic.

Hmm, keep dreaming. I want more tech advancements to make my life easier.

Willing to pay up?

A week out of school and my sleep schedule is already way out of line. However shall I survive summer classes? I have a few hours; guess I'll deal with it then. Not looking forward to Monday.

I feel as if I have writer's block. The chapter two script for Love's "n"...I feel bad for avidly ignoring it as of late. (but there are two flashbacks! and roundabout events! nooo!)

Replay replay replay --> gets me thinking, who is my MVP? Once again, another thing I am not eager to find out anytime soon. Or anytime at all. SHINee is making me think; they don't even speak English. My life...makes me sad.

"Love is like a bazaar: The admittance is free -- but it costs you something before you get out."
-Anonymous

"Grief is the price we pay for love."
-Queen Elizabeth II

Why must everything in the world have a price on it? Is there not a single thing that just "is"? that in itself is worth both nothing and everything?
I believe that thing, "it," is love.
To some, love is everything; what makes flowers bloom, world go round, everything. But at the same time, it can also mean nothing. Not just to the cynics who refuse to look it in the eye or the jaded once-lovers out there, but to those who truly love nothing; the listless "crazies" we throw into the loony bin. Eh, I don't know what I'm getting at...

Just is it worth it? Worth the happiness, the joy, the pain, the tears? Worth the euphoric high and the fall of God's greatest angel? If we're just looking for something to fill a void...well, there's always drugs and drink, material possessions, cotton balls...
Why love? Humans love; do others? The rest of Animalia? Plantae? Fungi? Protista?

Who can put a definition on the love? The "love" one feels towards one's lover is definitely different than the "love" felt towards a parent. And if the love is one and the same, it's "wrong." Who judges? Who cares?

Love hurts. Superbia, invidia, ira, acedia, avaritia, luxuria, gula; the seven sins rolled into one. How is love the greatest emotion of all if the cardinal sins are present? What is mine's?

I'm curious. Just what is love? what does it cost? am I willing to pay?

I think once again, I'll circle back to the little mermaid of legend. As of late, she's taken a stand at the forefront of my mind. Why did she give up her life of aquatic bliss for a boy she met but once? Without ever having exchanged words with him, she fell in love. Trials and tribulations for naught, she was cast away for another, simply because the prince refused to believe a change in circumstances was at hand; that she was the one needed rescuing, not him. To return to the sea, all gloried restored, she had but to kill him before dawn; instead, she cast away everything for nothing. She can't live without him, but he can live without her. Unbearable pain and she was gone before the sun rose.

It's curious. I'm curious.

Before I get too distracted...

Yes, I am insecure. Yes, I know it. But funny how I didn't until I actually answered that question on Friday. I guess some tears have a reason to fall. What a thing to learn about oneself.

Blah, currently in the midst of "cleaning my room." Hah. That's funny; it'll take several days at least. Oh well, that candy sitting outside my room is worth it. My sweet bribe? Yesh. Those work, very well.

Summer job? N > work permit. Well, first I need a place to hire me. My sleep patterns are out of whack. No homework? What a shocker. Just wait until this time next year; will be bawling eyes out.

Hmm..fell off my bike yesterday. Hope my parents still let me out on that thing. >__<
LOL, but first, I'll have to somehow deal with the pain of wearing pants again. I hate when it scrapes along my gaping wounds (exaggerating). I've actually been quite vocal about my pain the last day or so. Ah, it is what it is. Can't seem to man up though. I like being a girl (;
On the other hand, how am I supposed to clean under the bed? Gar.

Made spaghetti 2-3 hours ago. Went without a hitch. Hurrah.

So back to cleaning room, then more script writing. I love the direction it's going. I hate the time it takes getting there.

School's out.

And yesterday felt like Saturday, which is today, which feels like a Sunday. Great. My funk is off. *sigh*

So, what with school out and all, I don't know. Let's see, I have a week to myself before I start classes at EVC (art history, both) and still need to get that script done for Love's "n" NOT including my summer homework for AP classes & those pesky job applications.

Oh, and remember to fill out the Common Application for private schools. Julia, that's important.
Which freaks me out. Me? Private school? Am I even able to afford that? I NEED FINANCIAL AID PLZ!

So, library soon? I asked for a day off at Tully today. Blah.

June 11: Junior year.

What kind of parent tells their kid they have to call in "sick" for a volunteer job, promises to take afore-mentioned kid to Seventeen Miles, then go, "Oh wait, there's no room for you in the car"?

Fuck the world. I am angry.

Oh, note.

Tomorrow will be the last post concerning the list of the things I'll miss as I get older for the 08-09 schoolyear. Maybe I'll start a new type of list next year?

And what to do during the summer..?
Hell, I'm excited!

May 29: Keeping up with things
May 30: Them.
May 31: Liz Phair
June 1: Wandering around with a purpose
June 2: Wandering around at all
June 3: Reading =(
June 4: Singing out loud
June 5: Knowing everything's going to be alright
June 6: Not lying to myself to stay happy O_O
June 7: Phone calls after nine o'clock pm
June 8: Money to shop with D:<
June 9: The Hangover...people keep talking about it! I wanna rewatch it!
June 10: Being in shape

I hate Guenevere..and Juliet...a lot.

I do. I swear it. Maybe it's the pretty gowns; maybe it's the men; mostly it's because they have people who love them no matter how stupid they happen to be. Arg, they so don't deserve it. What about Ariel, the little mermaid? She turns into sea foam - SEA FOAM! - after risking it all for (failed) love. Stupid Prince (and guess what, I just found out his name...it's Eric, haha o_O;; y'all know why this is funny right?).
See, there's sacrifice, but nothing comes of it.
I'd like to see Queen Guenevere and Juliet work their butts off for something.
Guenevere is a lady, married to King Arthur, who loves her like hell, but she leaves him for some musclehead fop named Lancelot. And what is Juliet but a spoiled little teenager caught in her raging hormones, pushed to the limit by some punk named Romeo?
There is no justice.

On the offhand, tomorrow's the last day of school.
And maybe I'll have a list of the things I'll miss laters?