I cannot wait to go to the beach tomorrow.

I think if I were to write it out, it'd be the same thing-- regardless of the day, season, or location, it would be the same outpouring of emotions, the same tidal wave of quasi-embittered words. Three simple words, impossible to say: "I hate you." After all, I know just as well how much it hurts when the phrase is thrown my way without a thought, so how could I possibly put another through the same pain?

You don't realize the problem, you know. You think it's this-- or that-- or maybe I'm not having a very good day. Very well, perhaps I'm not having a particularly good day, but I'll say this: it's all the broken promises. It's all the store of hopes and dreams you've lead me to, it's the silence that condones even the greediest of appetites to partake and then some. You don't seem to realize that with just the smallest sample that I, too, could be just as easily persuaded. You don't seem to realize that beneath the glittering veneer, we are all too human. You don't seem to realize that I'm just a girl like all other girls: not too ready to endure what the world has in store for us.

In retrospect, perhaps I am stronger than that, but through my lens, for now, I see neglect, I see pain, I see ignorance. Smiles carelessly gifted, naught of understanding, and the refusal to cast me in any other light than what you've become so attached to-- these qualities cut me deeper than any wound I have incurred.

I have a feeling that one day you will realize, perhaps one day you will atone-- this feeling the inheritance of my bones. I harbor the fear that I am wrong: perhaps you will be too late, perhaps I will be too late.

There are no heavenly revelations here, merely speculations that a happen-chance encounter will result in something more than it appears. There are no angels, no devils, no gods, no demons. There are only humans, and they can only live their lives one mistake at a time.

You said so yourself; don't change your story so quickly.

Sometimes, I feel like the only thing social-networking sites do is remind me how much of an introvert I am.

It's neither a good nor bad thing...it's just that...sometimes, I'd like to be invited to things, too, y'know?

I hate PMSing; it's like, I realize that I am, but if someone tells me, it's like, "DON'T YOU DARE TELL ME FACTS ABOUT MY OWN BODY!" -.- being a girls sometimes is just, ugh (but better than being a boy any day!).

Anyways, Maryann, I've cheered up a bit. It was just all the stress and frustration building up...but I should probably still utilize the school counseling options next year. Honest, I think I'm going batshit crazy here. Not here as in exclusively UCSD, but here as in my life. Something about being Julia, doing all the things Julia does with the people Julia knows, in Julia's state of mind in 2011, feels so overwhelming. It's like, this unresolved past that keeps biting me in the ass as I'm chasing the future and the present is constantly knocking the wind out of me.
^ YEAH, THAT MAKES NO SENSE, BUT IT'S HOW I FEEL. "I don't know" is my go-to right now, which is good. One should never make important decisions when one doesn't know (:

Now, how can I get back to "everything will be alright"...?

My last final's in an hour (: Tomorrow, I get to go home and unwind for a good three months (well, summer school, but that's whatever). HEY, I'm going to Disney World for the first time ever...leaving Sunday night, flight lands at 5:30 est! AND HARRY POTTER LAND, holy sh*t, so excited...! Is a week enough? Hopefully a week is enough!

Life needs to stop looking so hopeful, because then all the little slumps feel like an endless fall. *sigh*

I don't even know what to think. Caught somewhere between enraged and melancholic, I'm not sure I'm even supposed to do anything. It's not my problem, honest.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this.

I'm being childish again, but you know what? Good. Good; let me keep my innocence, my imaginings, my unique spell.

Good evening. Or not. Whatever.

I'm currently re-writing my physics cheatsheet, ugh. And I'm pretty sure I failed my pre-lab quiz today, hahaha. I've been so tired...I don't even...
I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO BLAME.

But that's really childish, and now that it's out, thank you ladies and gentlemen. I won't do it again this evening. Or night. When does evening transition into night anyways?

I hate being ignored by ____. Thanks for making feel like such an important part of your life, second only to everything else you have going on. And you never ask me what's wrong; or you do and you don't mean it. Every time you take the easy way out. Every time I need you, you're nowhere to be found. Hey, thanks for that. Really.

Damn you. Damn me.

I'm being childish again. It's hard to believe when the weight of all these thoughts are so crushing. ____ still doesn't want to hear it. No, I must stop.

Call first, please.

A little bit of the truth.

What does it mean when, even in my dreams, I belong to you? What is this refusal, conscious and subconscious, to have anyone else? It scares me sometimes, but for now, I'm glad it's just you and me. Though you're not exactly here by my side, you do so much more than someone who is.

You truly are my raison d'etre.

Misgivings

If you know me, I've become the hugest Tumblr whore. It's been years (quite literally) since I've blogged in this text box in this font on this site, but what's once was mine will always remain so, if only in spirit...right? I'm here again, mayhaps searching for a little validation, a little something to keep me grounded. This is where it all started-- just me, my thoughts, and a little corner of the infinite world. I have a few misgivings on what this means; after all, I haven't been here since September 2009. Well, I don't want to over-think things.

I might be back, I might be gone for good.
Time will tell.